Mother's Day  

Psalms 68:6 'God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.'

I distinctly remember knowing my mom didn't like me even as a toddler. Over and over again I remember hearing the story about how I was her first child and I didn't latch on to eat those first few hours of my life and how disappointing that was to her. I was a disappointment.

My mom didn't protect me from an abusive father, she didn't nurse the wounds and bruises or help me stop the blood from numerous bloody noses that he gave me. She didn't teach me about my first period, she just threw some pads in the room and said to use those. I had no idea what was happening...was I dying and my mom didn't care?

She didn't help me and my siblings clean when my dad went into crazy mode and made us keep cleaning for hours and hours until our little bodies were ready to pass out and go to sleep. She didn't tell him to let us sleep when he said we had to keep cleaning into the wee hours of the morning and rewash every dish in the house for the third or fourth time. We went into survival mode and took turns trying to sleep on the bathroom floor, hidden from my dad who we were so sure would kill us if he found us sleeping.

My mom didn't fight for her kids when the department of family services came and took her kids away. She was given the choice of leaving my father and taking her kids but she didn't do it. I was 'lucky' because I wasn't in the home when this happened. I was 'lucky' because all of a sudden I was alone in the world while some of my siblings went into foster homes, group homes, and psychiatric wards.  I was alone and on my own and had to figure out how to survive. (I want to interject here and let you know despite ALL odds my siblings turned out AMAZING, one is a wonderful mother and daycare owner, one is an English teacher and passionate about foster children and their care, one is in the Army protecting our country, all despite our upbringing)

All of these things mean I should want nothing to do with my mom and I should hate her, right?....but I don't. Every Mother's Day I struggle and cry and pray for her. I pray she isn't being abused by my father. I pray she knows I love her, I pray that my life isn't a disappointment to her and I pray and hope that she knows she's loved. I pray that I'll be a good mom someday and that I can take lessons from the things she did do! I pray that she knows she's smart even thought my dad always told her she isn't.

I'm pretty sure she taught me to read, I don't remember being taught but somehow I can read and was able to pass the GED test that made me get into college at 16 and escape the day my siblings were taken away. 

She taught me how to be brave, this is something I'm sure I picked up from her because she secretly did nice things for my siblings and I sometimes. One year she convinced my dad to let us go to school! I remember I was in middle school that year
and I got to learn to play the violin and be in a school play and escape home for a few hours everyday. 

She taught me what it means to be a hard worker. I remember my mom would have two or three jobs at a time and she kept food on the table most of the time. I remember she wasn't embarrassed to take the end of day leftovers at her KFC job to feed us. And she wasn't embarrassed to take us to the food bank to pick up food and an allotment of clothing for each kid. In fact she made that an exciting day and made us feel like we just won the lottery when we found something great! She let us pick out the bread we wanted from the food bank even if it was that rainbow colored bread she didn't like.

Her example taught me how to be frugal and make a little bit of money really count. Even when  my dad decided to spend that little bit of money on a case of beer or if they decided to spend the last few dollars on lottery tickets she still came home with flour and taught us how to make biscuits! 

I don't have contact with my mom and honestly that's best for us but I hope she has a happy  life. I hope she knows she is loved and cried over. I hope she knows it was hard not to have her there on my wedding day  and I prayed for her that day because that probably hurt her too., And even though I'll keep my future babies away from my dad and her because of abuse, I know that I'll wish she could be with me. 

Today is not a Happy Mother's Day and every year it's hard but I love you mom, I always will.

Today I rejoice with the friends who are celebrating their moms and cry with those who can't.